Mother Love

I know what it’s like to feel ugly…and not just feel ugly, but believe ugly. And it’s not fun or right or how we are meant to feel and believe and live. You are not made to feel ugly.

On Saturday morning, we went out for a little family breakfast date. We got to the restaurant a few minutes before it opened, so of course I seized the opportunity to take some pictures of Ayla and Ben in a cute little alley right beside the parking lot. I snapped a few of them together, and then handed the camera to Ben so he could take some of me and Ayla. We tickled and laughed and “did kisses” for a few minutes in front of the camera together, and then headed over to the restaurant for breakfast.

We got back home after a few hours out, and after some cleaning and food prep for a big day of college football, I slipped the camera card into my computer to transfer the photos. I let them load while I washed some dishes, and then sat back down to look through them. My heart melted seeing all the sweet captures of Ben and Ayla…the love and connection they share always seems to come through so beautifully on film. I love it!

I kept flipping through the photos, just smiling…until I came to the start of the ones with me in them. Instantly my good feelings left, and instead it was like a giant rock had settled in my stomach, trying to choke out my heart. I literally wanted to cry…because there I was, right in front of my eyes, and I was so ugly.

“your face is so big and ridiculous.”
“you always look so stupid.”
“you are so fat.”
“you are so ugly.”

Those voices – the oh so familiar ones – started screaming in my head, and I just wanted to weep. I wanted to get angry at myself. I wanted to stop eating or to pick up some crash diet so I could fix all the parts of me that I was being told were ugly. I wanted to hate and hide and be ashamed. I wanted to be anything else but myself.

And let me tell you, I wanted to give in to these voices, these lies. I wanted to reach out to them and hold them to my chest and say “yes, yes, you’re right. i am ugly and fat and ridiculous”…because it all felt so true. But I’ve done that before…I’ve done it way too many times before in the past…and something inside of me was able to rise up and fight and say:: NO, NOT THIS TIME.

These things feel true, but they aren’t Truth.
I feel ugly, but I am beautiful.
I feel like hiding, but I am meant to be seen.
I feel stupid, but I am designed by glory.

And that day, I fought and won. I had to fight with my voice, you guys…I had to speak the truth of who I am out loud. I had to remind myself and I had to remind my enemy. I had to fight with my spirit and my heart and my mind by taking control of the thoughts and changing them to be truth instead of lies. And it worked:: my heart was set back to right and I was able to walk the rest of the day in confidence and beauty and life.

So I know what it’s like to feel ugly, and it’s awful. And I know that it’s not the way we are designed to feel, ever. I don’t care if you have stretch marks or cellulite or scars or acne or any other thing the world calls “flaws.” I don’t care if you have the “right” body type or are overweight or have a stretched out tummy from childbirth. I don’t care if you wear a size two or a size twenty two…you are not made to feel ugly, ever.

You are made to feel beautiful.
You are made to walk in confidence and rest as the woman you are.
You are made to be fully alive in your own skin, no matter what that skin looks like.
You are made to feel beautiful. Always.

What about you:: how do you fight the lies that come against you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Summer is coming to an end, and I am mostly ready for it. I cracked open the first can of pumpkin earlier this week, and it was like, YES THIS IS JUST RIGHT AGAIN. We’ve been loving the summer, but let’s be real:: there really is nothing quite like the fall season with its crunchy leaves and pulling the sweaters out of the storage totes and sipping on hot drinks all day long.

The last few weeks have seemingly flown right by, and suddenly it became September. Earlier this week, we hosted a big backyard gathering for Labor Day with a bunch of friends from church, and it was such a fun evening with some of the funnest people we know. We hauled our dining room table out into the yard and strung some lights in the tree and set up picnic blankets and yard games for the evening, and the weather turned out beautifully after a very hot, humid day. We grilled chicken and sausages, and everyone brought a dish to add to the meal…we had such an great spread of food! I am so thankful for the friendships and community we have come to know and love here in Tennessee…in so many ways, it seems like we have lived here so much longer than twelve months. It has become home so quickly for us.

In other news, I’ve been working on getting a little home bakery business started the last few weeks, and that’s been a fun little venture. It seems like my house smells like cinnamon rolls almost constantly, which isn’t a bad thing at all. So far, I have about the right amount of orders per week to keep me busy enough, but not where it overwhelms my schedule. I’m working on setting up some separate pages and accounts for my little bakery, so stay tuned for that if you want to follow!