Fear.
I have come to believe that fear is one of the biggest traps that is used against us to keep us from experiencing life as we were meant to as children of God. Fear is crippling. It keeps you from dreaming and believing and essentially keeps you from walking in faith. And it is so common. I’ve found in my own life that sometimes fear is so common and feels so normal that I don’t even recognize it as such. But when I do and when I let it go, there is a most wonderful freedom that my heart finds in return.
I’m not a big worrier type of person generally, although I have become much more so since I’ve been married for whatever reason. I think it’s easier to worry and fear when you have so much to lose…and there have been times that I’ve driven myself to tears thinking of losing my husband or worrying about him when he didn’t come home when I thought he would or was out in the woods later than usual.
But last week I was battling fear in a really big way. It was like this oppressive, horrible cloud over my heart…like this all-consuming THING right smack in the front of my face at every moment. I felt like I could get away from it.
I mentioned on Monday that at my last prenatal appointment, I was measuring really small for where I am at in the pregnancy. I was a little small at the previous appointment six weeks earlier as well, but not in the large increment that this last appointment showed us. At first, I didn’t feel that worried about it…like I said, I’m not generally the lets-assume-the-worst kind of person. But the next day, this thing hit me like a train…I was.so.scared. All the what-if’s and what-am-I-doing-wrong’s and is-my-baby-ok’s flooded my mind and I didn’t know what to do. My baby was too small and I didn’t know why and I felt helpless and really, really afraid. I would just stand in my kitchen and put my hands on my belly and beg that little one in there to just be ok…(first-time mom dramatics here, hehe)
Eventually, I realized what I was doing…I was fully entrenching myself into fear. I was letting all the negative possibilities and judgements be in control, instead of reaching out to Jesus. I was keeping my fears to myself and trusting myself to make it better, rather than taking those fears and giving them to the One Who cares infinitely more for my little child than I even do. Sometimes, fear is legitimate, and I guess I can’t say that to feel it is wrong…but what we do with that feeling makes all the difference.
I’m not so afraid any more. My fears are in Jesus’ hands, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is good and that He cares and that His plans are good. I don’t know why my measurements are so far off from where they should be, and of course I still feel a mama’s apprehension about the health of my baby, but the fear isn’t controlling me. Because when it does, there is absolutely nothing good that comes from it. I’ve listened to this song over and over again in the last few days, and the “my fears are drowned in perfect love” line says it perfectly. And I am endlessly grateful for that love and the freedom from the crippling fear that we can have.
What about you: do you battle fears in certain aspects of your life as well?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
