Let me tell you a little secret…I didn’t want my first child to be a girl.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want daughters in my brood of children, but if I had a choice, I would have picked a houseful of boys versus a houseful of girls. And I definitely didn’t want my first born to be a girl! Maybe because I am a first-born and there was always something in me as I was growing up that wished so much for an older brother to look up to and to have as my hero and to be the one that took on the inevitable responsibilities of the oldest child.
So when I would think about my own little family, I always envisioned that first-born boy…the one that would be the leader and protector of the rest of the pack. I was actually pretty dead set on it. So much so that I really questioned our decision to not find out what our baby was until the birth…because I was so scared that if it was a girl, I wouldn’t know what to do with the disappointment, and I didn’t want those feelings to taint the first moments of my child’s entrance into the world. I struggled with it for a while at the beginning of our pregnancy, but it only took a few weeks before my heart dramatically changed and I felt such an excitement for whoever decided to pop out at the end of those nine months.
But we still felt like we were having a boy for almost the entire pregnancy. It wasn’t until the last month that something inside of me shifted and I knew – just knew – we were having a girl. When she was born and laid on my chest and we realized that she was a precious little girl, it wasn’t even a surprise…more like a “why yes of course, she’s a girl. she’s been our girl all along.” And now? I can’t even imagine having a boy! I was so worried that I wouldn’t know how to be a mama to a girl…now I’m worried I won’t know how to be a mama to a boy (just to clarify, i’m not pregnant, hehe). Funny, huh?
My little girl has changed me in many, many ways. Maybe not in like super BIG ways, but in so many small ways. I feel softer, more feminine, less driven towards perfectionism and performance. I feel love in ways I’ve never felt before, both inward and outward. I am more emotional, in a good way. I am more content, peaceful, restful. I’ve learned to become more flexible with my plans and schedule, and to also let go of the to-dos in favor of taking time to sit and play with my little one. I’ve learned to give of myself in a new way…my body, my time, my sleep, my plans. I feel more worn out, more energized (yes, both), more satisfied, more fulfilled.
I feel like a mother. And I love it with all my heart.
What about you: what are some ways you’ve felt motherhood has changed you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
