little one

Let me tell you a little secret…I didn’t want my first child to be a girl.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want daughters in my brood of children, but if I had a choice, I would have picked a houseful of boys versus a houseful of girls. And I definitely didn’t want my first born to be a girl! Maybe because I am a first-born and there was always something in me as I was growing up that wished so much for an older brother to look up to and to have as my hero and to be the one that took on the inevitable responsibilities of the oldest child.

So when I would think about my own little family, I always envisioned that first-born boy…the one that would be the leader and protector of the rest of the pack. I was actually pretty dead set on it. So much so that I really questioned our decision to not find out what our baby was until the birth…because I was so scared that if it was a girl, I wouldn’t know what to do with the disappointment, and I didn’t want those feelings to taint the first moments of my child’s entrance into the world. I struggled with it for a while at the beginning of our pregnancy, but it only took a few weeks before my heart dramatically changed and I felt such an excitement for whoever decided to pop out at the end of those nine months.

But we still felt like we were having a boy for almost the entire pregnancy. It wasn’t until the last month that something inside of me shifted and I knew – just knew – we were having a girl. When she was born and laid on my chest and we realized that she was a precious little girl, it wasn’t even a surprise…more like a “why yes of course, she’s a girl. she’s been our girl all along.” And now? I can’t even imagine having a boy! I was so worried that I wouldn’t know how to be a mama to a girl…now I’m worried I won’t know how to be a mama to a boy (just to clarify, i’m not pregnant, hehe). Funny, huh?

My little girl has changed me in many, many ways. Maybe not in like super BIG ways, but in so many small ways. I feel softer, more feminine, less driven towards perfectionism and performance. I feel love in ways I’ve never felt before, both inward and outward. I am more emotional, in a good way. I am more content, peaceful, restful. I’ve learned to become more flexible with my plans and schedule, and to also let go of the to-dos in favor of taking time to sit and play with my little one. I’ve learned to give of myself in a new way…my body, my time, my sleep, my plans. I feel more worn out, more energized (yes, both), more satisfied, more fulfilled.

I feel like a mother. And I love it with all my heart.

What about you: what are some ways you’ve felt motherhood has changed you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Seven months!

She is growing up so fast lately, it seems…and suddenly it hardly feels like she’s a baby anymore in some ways. A few days ago, I was looking back through photos from her birth and those first few weeks of her life and I just about couldn’t take it! How was she so teeny and small and new just seven months ago? It feels like she’s been our girl for an eternity already. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I cannot imagine life without her. We first fell in love with her the minute we discovered she was growing inside of me, and then all over again the minute she was born and laid on my chest…and yet it seems that there are moments throughout every single day that I feel like I fall in love with her all over again.

I find myself facilitating between wanting to freeze time and keeping her at least this small for forever, and then in the next moment looking so forward to her growing up and being able to teach her things and take her shopping and going out for coffee dates and talking about life with her. I was making some Christmas cookies earlier this week and she was there on the counter beside me in her Bumbo just watching me and chewing on kitchen utensils and throwing measuring cups around…and I had to think about how different the scene will be next Christmas….and the next, and the next. Time is such a beautiful, conflicting thing, and you really just have to be intentional about soaking it all in as it happens, right?

Here’s what she’s been up to lately::

– sitting on her own! She will still topple over sometimes still so we try to always keep a pillow or piles of blankets around her when she’s on the floor. She loves to sit in the living room and play with her basketful of toys. So far she hasn’t shown any interest in crawling or scooting around, and hates being on her tummy so much! I’m actually ready for her to start moving around on her own because I think she will be much more entertained when she can get around (and i imagine that i’ll be a lot more entertained as well, hehe). I guess she’ll learn when she’s ready!

– eating solids! We started offering her solid foods around six months, and it took her a while to get the hang of eating from a spoon, but she does good with it now. Some days she won’t eat as much and will wrinkle up her face at certain things, especially if it’s a new flavor. Then other days, she will open up her little mouth wide and eat and eat and eat and get impatient if you take too long to get her the next bite! She likes banana, applesauce, avocado, and sweet potato so far…and we’re working on getting peas on the “will eat” list. I can’t understand it…peas are so yum!

– “talking”! She’s becoming quite the chatterbox lately, and she’ll sit on the floor with her toys and just jabber to herself. It’s the cutest thing! We’ve been trying hard to get her to say “da da” and there are times when she does make a “da” sound and of course we think she actually tried to do that and make a big deal about it, hehe. #firsttimeparents

A LOOK BACK: six months, four months, two months, first week, and our birth story.

What about you: what are some cute/fun things that your child(ren) are up to lately?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!