Insecurities.

I get so wearied with them sometimes. They just get so tiresome and annoying and inhibiting. Insecurities make me feel like a shadow of my true self and like I’m a sort of outsider in my own life. They make me feel like I don’t belong.

And I am so weary of it.

I look around and everyone else always seems so secure and comfortable in their own skin. Everyone else seems so ok with who they are and how they look and with their personality and life, and then I look at myself and feel like I have so far to go to ever get to that point.

The most beautiful and inspirational people are those who are absolutely secure in who they are. They are the ones who are not apologizing for their life or letting shame keep them from being who they are created to be. They are just simply content, not from complacency, but from security.

One of the most frustrating aspects of insecurity is that I can completely know that it is there and that insecurity is the reason that I feel so negative on myself sometimes. I can know that, but yet somehow it doesn’t always change anything. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I’m strong enough to see the voices and lies for what they are and just push them away. But far too often, I hear them and take them in and find myself falling into a place where I feel like a shadow. That place where you are trying really hard to be alright and content and strong, but inside there’s just a pile of mush.

This post feels pretty vulnerable, but I really think that this is something we all struggle with. I think especially as women we really struggle with this. I think sometimes comparison and competition feels stronger than love and fellowship, and I despise that. I think that our struggle with insecurity can keep us from experiencing life as it is meant to be experienced. I know for a fact that my insecurities have kept me from doing things that would have been amazing or knowing people that would have been inspirational. And I also despise that.

I’m not sure if there’s really an instant anti-dote for insecurities. I don’t know of a way to just turn it off and be secure. I think these feelings are something we each have to wrestle with and to pursue our own individual freedom in. I do know that one of the best things (and perhaps really the only thing) to do is to focus on knowing the identity that Jesus gives you, which is not contingent on looks or personality or accomplishments. My truest identity is based solely on Him, and I feel most secure when I am living from that place. That’s sometimes easier said than done, and it’s not always easy. Our feelings can be so strong, strong enough that they can drown out the truth. But I know that within each of us is a strength and an ability to rise above those lies and false feelings of insecurity and unworthiness…a strength to rise up to all that we are meant to be.

That’s what I want. That’s the journey I walk.

What about you: do you find yourself struggling with comparison, and thus with insecurities?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

What an incredible year.

It’s definitely been the best one yet, which may have almost everything to do with marrying the most amazing person I know and starting life together with him.

I’m not generally a super retrospective person. I tend to go through life thinking forward instead of backwards, but I’m learning that there is so much to be learned from thinking back over an experience or a time of life. We learn as we live (or hopefully we do), and it’s a good thing to take time to stop and process what it is exactly you have learned by thinking back. As with everything, there’s a balance. Too much forward thinking leaves you without the depth you glean from what is behind, but too much backward thinking leaves you without vision and drive for what is ahead. Balance…so essential.

I took some time this morning to stop and think back over the past year, and read through some of my journaling. It was a big year. Not just because I got married and moved to New York, but because of things that God led me through personally. I would say that this past year was one of the very best and also one of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I was challenged and blown apart by the power of God in new ways, and He brought me to a place of freedom that I’ve never known before. He wrecked me in ways that I really didn’t want to be wrecked, but He’s putting me back together with a redeemed body, soul, and spirit. And let me say this, the new is so much better than the old, although I will admit I don’t feel that way every day.

Along with not being retrospective, I’m also not much of a resolution setter. I feel like resolutions only set me up for failure, but I do usually make some very generic goals for the year. Nothing specific like “save a thousand dollars,” but more like “spend money wisely” or “learn a new skill.” My goals tend to be pretty much the same thing every time the new year comes around, so I suppose you could say it’s more like looking at and re-setting my core values instead of making resolutions or goals. But whatever it is, I feel like it’s good to stop and remember what is important to you and what you want to give time and energy to.

Another thing I usually do at the new year is pick a word for the year. Usually this word is a particular trait or characteristic I want to develop or improve, but sometimes the word comes more as a promise that I sense in my heart. For instance, a few years ago the word was “delight,” and it was indeed a year of learning to know and feel and believe the delight that God feels for me as His daughter.

This year’s word isn’t quite so deep or spiritual, but it’s still a good one. I’ve picked the word “unhurried” for this year. I’m a quick, rushed kind of person, always scurrying from here to there, working fast, talking fast, etc. etc. etc. That’s not necessarily a huge negative, and I’m sure I will always have that tendency to be hurried, but for this next year I want to focus on becoming unhurried. I want to learn to enjoy the process instead of just the end result.

Looking ahead to the next year is exciting, and I can’t wait to see how two-thousand-and-fourteen unfolds itself for us. There is so much good ahead….there is always good ahead.

May your new year be the best one yet!

What about you: what have you learned from the past year? What are your goals/resolutions for the year ahead?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!