faith + inspiration

Let me tell you a little secret…I didn’t want my first child to be a girl.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want daughters in my brood of children, but if I had a choice, I would have picked a houseful of boys versus a houseful of girls. And I definitely didn’t want my first born to be a girl! Maybe because I am a first-born and there was always something in me as I was growing up that wished so much for an older brother to look up to and to have as my hero and to be the one that took on the inevitable responsibilities of the oldest child.

So when I would think about my own little family, I always envisioned that first-born boy…the one that would be the leader and protector of the rest of the pack. I was actually pretty dead set on it. So much so that I really questioned our decision to not find out what our baby was until the birth…because I was so scared that if it was a girl, I wouldn’t know what to do with the disappointment, and I didn’t want those feelings to taint the first moments of my child’s entrance into the world. I struggled with it for a while at the beginning of our pregnancy, but it only took a few weeks before my heart dramatically changed and I felt such an excitement for whoever decided to pop out at the end of those nine months.

But we still felt like we were having a boy for almost the entire pregnancy. It wasn’t until the last month that something inside of me shifted and I knew – just knew – we were having a girl. When she was born and laid on my chest and we realized that she was a precious little girl, it wasn’t even a surprise…more like a “why yes of course, she’s a girl. she’s been our girl all along.” And now? I can’t even imagine having a boy! I was so worried that I wouldn’t know how to be a mama to a girl…now I’m worried I won’t know how to be a mama to a boy (just to clarify, i’m not pregnant, hehe). Funny, huh?

My little girl has changed me in many, many ways. Maybe not in like super BIG ways, but in so many small ways. I feel softer, more feminine, less driven towards perfectionism and performance. I feel love in ways I’ve never felt before, both inward and outward. I am more emotional, in a good way. I am more content, peaceful, restful. I’ve learned to become more flexible with my plans and schedule, and to also let go of the to-dos in favor of taking time to sit and play with my little one. I’ve learned to give of myself in a new way…my body, my time, my sleep, my plans. I feel more worn out, more energized (yes, both), more satisfied, more fulfilled.

I feel like a mother. And I love it with all my heart.

What about you: what are some ways you’ve felt motherhood has changed you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I realize I’m totally late to the game here with a new years post when we’re already two weeks into 2016, but no mind! Here it is.

I didn’t set a lot of resolutions or goals for this year, although Ben and I did take a morning coffee date out to set family goals for the new year. This was such a good thing and sparked a lot of conversation about what we want from life and specifically from 2016. I hope setting family goals becomes a tradition we do every year before the new year together from here on out. Personal goals are great, and we actually included a few in the family goals we put down…but I love that we set goals together and knowing how we can together make this next year the best one yet.

I did set one major intention for myself for 2016.

To live slow.

One of my greatest strengths is that I can get stuff done fast and efficiently.
One of my greatest weaknesses is that I can get stuff done fast and efficiently.

It’s so funny how that works, right? Greatest strengths can so often become our greatest weakness if we’re not careful. I’m a goal-setter-check-things-off-my-list-lets-get-all-things-done-as-quick-as-we-can kind of person. Not a bad thing necessarily, but my major intention for this year is to learn to slow it down. To take the time to appreciate the little things, to see the goodness and beauty in the every day, to be more focused in on the people around me than on my to-do list.

I had a stack of ironing to do over the weekend, and normally I just get through it as fast as I can. Not because I hate it (i actually rather like ironing), but because that’s just how I do. But this time I set up my board in the living room with Ayla playing under my feet, and I took my time laying out the clothes and pressing out the wrinkles and bending down to wiggle a toy in front of my little girl and kissing her sweet face. It took me a whole lot longer to finish the job than it normally does this time, but I didn’t even care. I was living slow and taking in the moment and it was the most satisfying ironing session I believe I’ve yet to have.

What about you: what is a goal/intention that you have for 2016?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!